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03:09am 27/09/2009
  Everything was so much easier this time last year, even though it was the most miserable time of my entire life. I was flailing against these sneaking suspicions of mine about who I was and what I really cared about and they all turned out to be horribly true. I'm so scared about stuff I would feel dumb even writing here where no one will ever see it. I hate that out of the few people left that I care about for odd and inexplicable reasons there's ones I almost never get to see; it's like the parts of me they know that other people don't are just invisible and miserable when they aren't around. I'm feeling my least favorite and most pathetic feeling right now, which is wanting to just have someone hug me and me cry for like 20 minutes.  
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04:03am 24/05/2009
  I just remembered about this for some reason because I can't sleep. Looking back at some of my entries is funny. I'm still an emotional disaster but just the very idea of having guys around seems absurd to me now that it's been so long, months. It's depressing how much I haven't moved past why we started this. I mean I guess I have in that I don't care about any of the people anymore but I almost wish I did. That anger and hurt and obsession at least filled what's now a relentless hole. I hope you're having a decent time at your mom's and maybe I can come see you sometime when you don't have anything better to do now that JEANMARIE! actually lets me use her car.  
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05:11am 19/02/2009
  I have so much I could say but no one cares.

TL;DR version: I suck at school and am completely unmedicated and crazy. I fucked Blake, fucked Conor, probably going to fuck Casey, in love with Ian. Disgusting. I need meds to stabilize my moods so I can knit, study, go to the gym, read, and write, instead of dicking around on the internet, sleeping irregular hours, randomly skipping class, getting baked and trashed on weeknights, and messing around with people. Fuuuuuuucccckkkkkk.		  
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01:34am 17/02/2009
  So I'm falling fast and hard for a friend of a friend and it's the worst feeling in the entire world. I might be starting to halfdate this guy I fucked last weekend and I'm messing around with this other guy who is boring hipster trash with fabulous weed to try to distract myself from it and it's not working at all. It doesn't help that this guy I'm falling for reminds me of the one person I care and worry about the most and that he wears Jeff Mangum sweaters all the time. My life is boring. For some reason I feel like if I could see him every day even if we weren't involved it would make me have to slut around and smoke and drink less. It's so creepy. Whatever. I'm glad you're with someone and not putting up with Jordan's little faggot games anymore.  
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03:57pm 08/02/2009
  Of courssse you love Bukowski and have nipple rings. Of course you do. Everyone I hook up with is the exact goddamn same and it's starting to give me the creeps. Shit doesn't even happen on purpose. I'm glad it's only taken me two weeks of the semester to break my two biggest new semester resolutions- no smoking or drinking on weeknights and no more hookups. I hope that other kid calls when he gets back from VA, since I've already fucked up my promises to myself there's no reason on earth why I shouldn't try to sleep with him too. It'd be nice if you called at some point so I could get offcampus for a hot minute but really like whatever, I'm pretty sure you're a complete tool.  
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01:10pm 29/01/2009
  i fucking hate patty.  
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09:58pm 19/01/2009
  You don't owe me shitty anecdotes you owe me an apology. Or silence. So kindly shut the fuck up. You're a bad joke and I hate you.  
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10:05pm 18/01/2009
  i beat and threatened my boyfriend.

i dont think i can be forgiven.

i terrorized him. i dont know if i was in control of my actions. i am a reallly a threat. i just wonder if i could have killed him.


im really scared. i have to live with this forever. my fucking illness. forever.		  
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03:31pm 15/01/2009
  everytime I hear this song I think it's you singing to me.



2 AM and he calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason


2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to




in a weird way, i miss you.		  
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08:16pm 12/01/2009
  There are so few people out there that actually deserve my respect. They're the only other ones who realize what a horrible place we've been born into. Why is it that, everywhere I look, people always seem so content with what they have? Why doesn't anybody else realize that they could have so much more? Why aren't they doing anything to try to make life better for, not only themselves, but everybody around them? Is it that they are happy with their lives the way that they are right now? I have difficulty understanding how anybody could be happy in this day and age. Everything's fucked. Nothing's right.


Part of me wants to make another fake stupid zine so that I can give it to everyone and act like I'm offhandedly throwing one at you too because I get the sneaking suspicion you actually listen to things I say sometimes. You won't say anything about it even if you do read it and know exactly I'm talking about. But for some reason I just like the idea of it sitting ignored under a pile of shit in your room somewhere more than a lot of other ideas.		  
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02:05am 08/01/2009
  i dont understand how i can have so many anecdotes to tell but not a single thing to write about for my personal essay for my applications.

i want to be completely honest to the questions.


"What about Brown University interests you?"

"Well, first, Brown, as an Ivy League university, is a complete phoney. However, it has been a phoney so long that people assume it is legitimate. I can relate to this because I also have been a phoney for so long that people assume I am legitimate. Second, at this point Brown is nothing more than a school for the priviliged environmentalist, the offensively politically correct minority, and the Dada loving artist. As I plan on earning a B.A. in sociology, I can think of no better place to study these reecently recognized subgroups than in the environment that fosters and encourages their development. Finally, there's some sick sailing on Narragansett Bay and I've heard that there's some really good pot in Providence."


"Why do you wish to transfer from your previous institution?"

"I started dating this guy when I began my First year. He took my virginity then broke up with me. I started dating his ex-boyfriend. The first guy and I were fucking a lot while I was dating guy number 2. Eventually number 2 found out. Me and number 1 dated a while longer, breaking up for brief periods for the next 10 months. We cheated on eachother and generally were pretty abusive. Summer after First year I started dating a whole bunch of guys in DC and doing a whole lot of drinking and would go on several day long drives through VA listening to music and reading books about French porcelain. Anyways, I got back to school for Second year and number 1 and I started dating again. I got more and more ridiculous as the semester progressed. I went on rants about the proletariat in this country and how they should have no say in anything. I was slowly going crazy. One night at a theme party I had I did a few lines of some pills while I was dressed as Sarah Palin. I then found number 1 doing coke in my bathroom with this other fag. I threw them and everyone out of my house while screaming parvenu at them and weilding a kitchen knife. About 3 days later I got in another fight with guy 1 and it ended with me taking a whole bunch of pills, hitting a car, driving away from the police, hitting another car, and being taken to the ER. I went from there to a psych ward/rehab center back in DC. My previous "institution" (by that I mean academic institution because now that needs clarification) told me I couldn't come back without dealing with the judicial council and facing possible expulsion. I'm at a community college now. If I stay here not only will I die mentally and emotionally, but there's a good chance physically as well. Transfering to your institution is a matter of life or death."

"What is something we would should know about you that is not shown in this application"

"The summer before I turned 19 I turned tricks as a way to escape boredom and experince affecion. I felt weird at times because I was definately more affluent than my clients and I had to completely surpress my 'polite' education. It was fun. I met some fascinating people. I learned how much people just want someone to touch and be around and love them unconditionally, if only for the hour. I learned how much I need their compliments and reassurance of my attractiveness. One of my clients was also the only person that I have found that shares all of my views, from love being the combination of sexual pleasure and intellectual stimulation which is impossible to find in one person to the offensiveness of Zales Jewlery. I still think and care about him. I guess I risked stds, rape, and jail but it beat any summer internship I could have found."		  
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10:07am 05/01/2009
  Crying hysterically over having to study for my make-up test and get some sleep instead of trying e and fucking someone I hate? Like, really? That's just downright insane, even for me. Maybe it was more crying over the fact I have no outlet, not even one as assbackwards as that, and am therefore genuinely terrified of exploding in the kinds of ways that don't have takebacks or coverups, the irrecoverable ways. The syllabus was wrong and the test was on chapters I didn't study, have never studied, asking me grammatical shit I wouldn't know how to deal with in English let alone French and questions about the ingredients in Arab-y food I wouldn't know how to deal with in English let alone French. Like, what the fuck. Where did this bullshit even come from. By the end of the week (if not the end of the day) I want to have a list of resolutions. I need to know where I'm going, and not just where I'm going but how I can make sure I get there. The easiest place to start is a map and a playlist I guess, like with any trip. But before any of that, sleeeeeeep.  
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05:09am 03/01/2009
  i'm really really sad right now. i'm such a fucking creeper. normal people aren't this obessed are they? why can't i let this go. he made me feel special. maybe that's why. he liked me which erased several of my insecurities that are now coming back. i just wonder if he misses me at all. or am i that forgettable. or am i such a fuck up that he couldnt miss me. why am i still in love with him. is it that i really just dont want to let him go. i don't know if i can do this anymore. be alive. every emotion i feel makes me cringe and cry. but i just got a letter and my last suicide attempt cost around 10.000 dollars in ER fees, then probably 15.000 in being in the psychward. and i dont even know how much for all the therapy. Plus court and lawyer fees for the accident. idk. this post is stupid.

"i still love jordan"
"that's ok"

is it?		  
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11:36am 02/01/2009
  it's funny how your worst enemies always seem to
turn out to be all of your
best friend's best friends
but I folded & I told

.


so when I go home, I'll be happy to go -
you're just somebody that I used to know



I wonder if I did the right thing. I just thought about him too much and didn't know of any other way to stop. Do you think I should worry about it or notsomuch?		  
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01:10pm 31/12/2008
  Tonight is the night of reckoning. Was all of this a long, pointless prologue for what's to come or a long, pointless epilogue for what briefly happened? No matter what tonight will be the last page. It's a relief. My room here is at the front of the house where I can hear the traffic even in the middle of the night. I like it; I find it soothing to know that while I am sleeping there are people still awake and carrying on with their lives. And the wind, which is terribly violent, and making me want to stay in bed. I can hear that too. Part of me just wants to sleep all day with impunity, since I can't ever do that, not even at home. This place is too much of a shithole to be any fun "exploring" by myself, especially with how freezing it is. I'm glad I came though; it feels like the end of something, not just the year. It's going to let me let go.  
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03:10am 31/12/2008
  I was lurking facebook today and I came across this as someone's "about me"


"I live in the basis of three "C's": Curiosity, Compassion, and a Care-free attitude."



This is why I tried to commit suicide.		  
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12:44pm 30/12/2008
  blah blah blah i had a good day yesterday, that means today will most likely suck. expect a sad post later.


although, like the terror alert levels, I have several livejournals of various levels of secrecy and disclosure and since I've been writing regularly in them I haven't been as grumpy.


also.

I am in my bed for almost the entire day, im not kidding like 23 hours, if i don't go out or someone doesn't come over. that is fucking disgusting. even by my standards. maybe by writing it out i will be encouraged to change it. but i doubt it.		  
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10:19pm 28/12/2008
  Around the neighborhood 1, 2, 3, times listening to 1Between the Bars, 2Almost Over, and 3Roman Candle. 1 sober, 2 cold, 3 soulless fuckups. I miss them both so badly; no one else knows how to press my buttons. I don't feel anything anymore. 1 23 1 23 my Waltz #2. Just walking around in the cold without a jacket, crying, but only a little bit, not as much as I would like to. Squinting into passing headlights wondering if the drivers see my face and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.  
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09:02pm 28/12/2008
  Tasting the bitterness between my teeth.
The incalculable malice of the everyday.


I feel an inexplicable sense of sadness and loss so strong it becomes physical. Pressing against my eyesockets and skull, turning my stomach. I feel literally sick, like I am dying, but I look as I always have. It is nearly constant and I cannot see any means of catharsis or distraction in the near future. I feel trapped, as if I am going to die here before the end of January, before I get another chance at the mindnumbing and banal routine that is school, nevermind more chances at things that actually matter. I feel like life has flowed on past me, leaving me soaking wet and shivering to rot with the rest of the trash in the gutter. I feel forgotten.


I am solitary as grass. What is it I miss?
Shall I ever find it, whatever it is?


I can't thank you enough for telling me about saudade.		  
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08:25pm 28/12/2008
 



i just want a record for the future that THIS is who i am crying about almost daily.		  
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  secretslob
 
 
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